Yelena

There is no spoon

2003-05-25T06:43:29Z

Brief rundown of stuff that's recently happened:

- Finished exams, I'm now officially a second-year graduate student. Wooohoo!
- Went to see Matrix 2. Was thoroughly entertained, though still can't decide whether I liked it as much as the original. Must rewatch original to compare :P The orgy scene was dumb. Keanu was yummy. Mmmm....shades and leather.
- Rented and watched Children of Dune. Was floored. Must read books.
- Going home in 2.5 weeks. Can't wait.
- Managed to drink a whole margarita and didn't get drunk, or even moderately buzzed. New achievement.
- EJ is in town for the summer. Must spend more time together.
- It occurs to me at this point in my list that my life is exceedingly boring. So I'll stop and go contemplate Children of Dune some more.

I am a bookworm, wheee!

2003-05-24T02:04:49Z

Yay, for once a non-whiny or weird entry. Go me :) Must be that margarita talking. Mmmm.....frozen raspberry margaritas =P

(bold = read by yours truly....)

The BBC Big Read top 100 books, in alphabetical order:

· 1984 George Orwell

· The Alchemist Paulo Coelho

· Alice's Adventures in Wonderland Lewis Carroll

· Animal Farm George Orwell

· Anna Karenina Leo Tolstoy

· Anne of Green Gables LM Montgomery

· Artemis Fowl Eoin Colfer

· The BFG Roald Dahl

· Birdsong Sebastian Faulks

· Black Beauty Anna Sewell

· Bleak House Charles Dickens

· Brave New World Aldous Huxley

· Brideshead Revisited Evelyn Waugh

· Bridget Jones' Diary Helen Fielding

· Captain Corelli's Mandolin Louis de Bernières

· Catch-22 Joseph Heller

· The Catcher in the Rye JD Salinger

· Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Roald Dahl

· A Christmas Carol Charles Dickens

· The Clan of the Cave Bear Jean M Auel

· Cold Comfort Farm Stella Gibbons

· The Colour of Magic Terry Pratchett

· The Count of Monte Cristo Alexandre Dumas

· Crime and Punishment Fyodor Dostoyevsky

· David Copperfield Charles Dickens

· Double Act Jacqueline Wilson

· Dune Frank Herbert

· Emma Jane Austen

· Far From the Madding Crowd Thomas Hardy

· Girls in Love Jacqueline Wilson

· The God of Small Things Arundhati Roy

· The Godfather Mario Puzo

· Gone with the Wind Margaret Mitchell

· Good Omens Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman

· Goodnight Mr Tom Michelle Magorian

· Gormenghast Mervyn Peake

· The Grapes of Wrath John Steinbeck

· Great Expectations Charles Dickens

· The Great Gatsby F Scott Fitzgerald

· Guards! Guards! Terry Pratchett

· Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets JK Rowling

· Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire JK Rowling

· Harry Potter & the Philosopher's Stone JK Rowling

· Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban JK Rowling

· His Dark Materials trilogy Philip Pullman

· The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Douglas Adams

· The Hobbit JRR Tolkien

· Holes Louis Sacher

· I Capture the Castle Dodie Smith

· Jane Eyre Charlotte Brontë

· Kane and Abel Jeffrey Archer

· Katherine Anya Seton

· The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe CS Lewis

· Little Women Louisa May Alcott

· Lord of the Flies William Golding

· The Lord of the Rings JRR Tolkien

· Love in the Time of Cholera Gabriel Garcia Marquez

· The Magic Faraway Tree Enid Blyton

· Magician Raymond E Feist

· The Magus John Fowles

· Matilda Roald Dahl

· Memoirs of a Geisha Arthur Golden

· Middlemarch George Eliot

· Midnight's Children Salman Rushdie

· Mort Terry Pratchett

· Nightwatch Terry Pratchett

· Noughts and Crosses Malorie Blackman

· Of Mice and Men John Steinbeck

· On the Road Jack Kerouac

· One Hundred Years of Solitude Gabriel Garcia Marquez

· Perfume Patrick Süskind

·P ersuasion Jane Austen

· The Pillars of the Earth Ken Follett

· A Prayer for Owen Meaney John Irving

· Pride and Prejudice Jane Austen

· The Princess Diaries Meg Cabot

· The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists Robert Tressell

· Rebecca Daphne du Maurier

· The Secret Garden Frances Hodgson Burnett

· The Secret History Donna Tartt

· The Shell Seekers Rosamund Pilcher

· The Stand Stephen King

· The Story of Tracy Beaker Jacqueline Wilson

· A Suitable Boy Vikram Seth

· Swallows and Amazons Arthur Ransome

· A Tale of Two Cities Charles Dickens

· Tess of the D'Urbervilles Thomas Hardy

· The Thorn Birds Colleen McCollough

· To Kill a Mockingbird Harper Lee

· A Town Like Alice Nevil Shute

· Treasure Island Robert Louis Stevenson

· The Twits Roald Dahl

· Ulysses James Joyce

· Vicky Angel Jacqueline Wilson

· War and Peace Leo Tolstoy

· Watership Down Richard Adams

· The Wind in the Willows Kenneth Grahame

· Winnie the Pooh AA Milne

· The Woman in White Wilkie Collins

· Wuthering Heights Emily Brontë

Hmmm....now that I look at it, I suck :) Must...Read...More!!! Actually, some of these I'd started and never finished, and at least two I have but haven't had a crack at yet. So there.

colors of the wind

2003-05-09T19:30:29Z

Right on the money...

You Are Blue.

(((~*~What Personality Color Are You?~*~)))
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Spring fever

2003-05-05T05:14:45Z

Yikes, realized today that I haven't updated in 2 months. Been kind of busy, I suppose...Heh. Stuff happened. Time went by. First year is almost over, and I can't believe it. It's flown by in an instant, it feels like. Had my first-year exam this past Thursday. Was muy painful, but apparently I did very well. So my committee told.

"Committee" is one of the most annoying words to spell, I realized. Almost as bad as Pennsylvannia. But I digress.

Three weeks left in the semester, and that includes the finals week. After that, it's off to lab full time. Picked thesis lab. Don't know if or how it's going to work out. The science is awesome, the prof is a first-class asshole. Hopeful that the science will outweigh the PI's asshatish-ness, but we'll see. People in lab are pretty nice, which is cool. Unfortunately no possibilities to enhance personal life with specimens available. But that's just my luck, I guess. I'll grow old with petri dishes and plasmids. Wheeee!

Got tix to go home for a week in the middle of June, can't wait. Miss 'rents so much....And after that one week, no idea when I'll be able to go home next time. The Japan trip has been nixed, as well. Between wars, SARS, and my PMSing P.I., I really can't see any way to take off another 2 weeks for vacation. Sigh. Katie will have my head on a platter when I finally get around to tell her. Oh well. At least she gets to go to England for half the summer while I'll be stuck in lab 24/7. But enough kvetching.

Suddenly, the city is beautiful. I'm not sure when it happened, but all at once the tree branches are bending under the weight of leaves and blooms. The air smells wonderful, despite the exhaust fumes, and the narrow side streets with their turn-of-century $10 million townhomes are alluring and mysterious, and every window holds the promise of a small world all of its own.

siiiiigh

2003-03-03T01:00:46Z

Ice Age is the perfect pick-me-up movie. Everyone should watch it if they're feeling down. I'm all mushy-content now :)

Got taxes down today. I'm getting about $400 back. Yay. A new week begins tomorrow. Meh. I need a vacation.

Too tired to make up a creative entry tonight....Guess I'll have to settle for small babble instead.

And I'll give it all away....

2003-03-01T05:42:14Z

There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens.
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant.
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them; a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces.
A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to be silent, and a time to speak.
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
What advantage has the worker from his toil?
I have considered the task which God has appointed for men to be busied about.
He has made everything appropriate to its time, and has put the timeless into their hearts, without men's ever discovering, from beginning to end, the work which God has done.
I recognized that there is nothing better than to be glad and to do well during life.
For every man, moreover, to eat and drink and enjoy the fruit of all his labor is a gift of God.
I recognized that whatever God does will endure forever; there is no adding to it, or taking from it. Thus has God done that he may be revered.
What now is has already been; what is to be, already is; and God restores what would otherwise be displaced.
And still under the sun in the judgment place I saw wickedness, and in the seat of justice, iniquity.
And I said to myself, both the just and the wicked God will judge, since there is a time for every affair and on every work a judgment.
I said to myself: As for the children of men, it is God's way of testing them and of showing that they are in themselves like beasts.
For the lot of man and of beast is one lot; the one dies as well as the other. Both have the same life-breath, and man has no advantage over the beast; but all is vanity.
Both go to the same place; both were made from the dust, and to the dust they both return.
Who knows if the life-breath of the children of men goes upward and the life-breath of beasts goes earthward?
And I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to rejoice in his work; for this is his lot. Who will let him see what is to come after him?

Countin' on a miracle...

2003-02-13T03:01:21Z

I think it was while I was watching the news last night that I had a terrifying epiphany. People are going to die. Soon. And there's nothing on this earth that anyone can do. We are so damn vulnerable! New York is like a slutty girl out alone in a seedy neighborhood at night, wearing a t-shirt that says 'come and get me.' If someone decides to do something, there's absolutely nothing that can be done to stop them, short of a miracle. All the contingencies that the government is providing, are planned with sane people in mind. Who says that the people we are dealing with are anywhere near sane? Good god, just thinking about how many places they could hit us...

Perhaps it's a stupid thing to think, certainly to admit, but I'm afraid. Really scared. I don't want to die. Talking with mom every night, I find myself wondering whether I'll talk to her again. Stupid, craven words. I hate myself for thinking them, but there's nothing I can do to fight them. Somewhere out there, there are people who hate me. Why? I never met them. I never hurt them. And the crazy thing is, if ever we met face to face and I could ask the question of "Why do you hate me so?" they likely would have no answer. I want an answer, damnit! I want to know why someone halfway around the world wants me to die. Damn fucking cowards. Shooting innocent people in the back because they have no guts to face their own fucking problems.

Oh, what a sweet irony it will be when they get to the other side and realize that Oops, there is no fucking heaven with 72 virgins for them. The sweet, sweet ultimate revenge. I hope there is a god. I hope they get a good look at his face before they are tossed into eternal fire.

Listening to Bruce Springsteen's Rising album, I want to believe that there is hope. That there is ALWAYS hope. But just now, that belief is hanging by a thread, and the thread is getting thinner.

Restaurant at the end of the universe

2003-02-10T04:04:45Z

What would you do if you only had one day left to live? Just one, just 24 hours. Would you go on with your routine, as if nothing were out of the ordinary? Would you go crazy? Would you break the law? Would you spend all the money you had or didn't have? Would you help someone? Would you pray? Would you tell anyone or would you keep the secret?

Now imagine that you don't know whether today IS going to be your last.

I hope that if I go, I won't have any regrets. That in that split second or two, I will have the ability to say "I would not have changed the way I lived today," foolish and naive though that hope may be.

"I shall pass through this world but once. Any good that I can do, therefore, or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now...Let me not defer or neglect it for I shall not pass this way again." - Mahatma Gandhi(?)

In Memoriam

2003-02-07T05:45:52Z

Do not stand by my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am a diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starshine at night.
Do not stand by my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.

Godspeed, guys! Third star on the left, steady on till morning.

This is the story of a boy....

2003-02-06T03:32:55Z

Once upon a time, there lived a boy, who was possibly one of the unhappiest boys ever. He was tremendously sensitive and easily provoked to tears. He loved his mother, but she didn't love him back. At a tender age of 10, he was shipped off to a law school in a city far, far away from his home. He became terribly homesick and depressed. Four years later, still at school, and still feeling dejected, he received notice that his beloved mother had passed away quite suddenly, of cholera. This sent the boy into the deepest pits of hopelessness, and at times he teetered on the brink of suicide. But suicide was looked upon as a sin by the society he lived in, and so he struggled on.

Years passed, and the boy became man. He worked as a law clerk for a few years, but then decided to give that up and become a musician instead. Music was, in fact, his only salvation from depression. In it, he sought escape from his misery ang feelings of guilt. For this unhappy man-child was attracted to other men (boys, in fact), and not women at all. Homosexuality being a terrible crime punished by jailing in his society, he had to live in secret, ever battling his urges, ever trying to suppress them, ever terrified that his secret should become known.

And so the man lived, and suffered, and composed. His greatest work came from the times when his depressive bouts were most severe. Time went on, the man got married to try and change his nature, only to have the marriage fall apart in a matter of weeks. Eventually, the man sank more and more into self-loathing that probably bordered on true insanity. He became involved in an obsessive affair with a young boy, who also happened to be his nephew.

When the father of the boy found out, he was furious. He wrote a letter to his lawyer asking the latter to present the matter to the high ruler of the country. The lawyer, who happened to be the unhappy composer's classmate from law school, hesitated. Not, in fact, because he felt bad for the man...He simply didn't want the name of their prestigious law school scandalized. And so, a "court of honor" was held by all of the man's classmates and they gave him two choices. They could expose him and put his family through a terrible scandal, or the man could commit suicide. The man was very close to his family and he feared their infamy more than anything. He began composing his last piece, arguably his greatest. A week after it premiered, he was dead. He took arsenic, but the official cover-up story was that he'd died of cholera. He was 53.

The piece was the Pathetique Symphony and the man's name was Peyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky.

hah hah

2003-02-01T04:13:40Z

How ironic...

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
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Now if only...ehhh *shakes head*

when it rains it pours

2003-01-29T05:41:54Z

I have the feeling that my parents aren't telling me something. Dad says Mom wasn't feeling well this morning so she went to the hospital and they decided to keep her overnight and run tests "because otherwise she'll have to wait at least a week for an appointment with a doctor." Sounds very strange to me. I don't know...God I hope it's nothing serious, this is the kind of thing that scares me beyong all reason. I do want to believe it's nothing but the not knowing is driving me nuts. At least I managed to get ahold of Mom on the phone and she sounded more or less okay, which is good. Guess there's nothing left to do at this point but wait and bite nails, which I hate doing :(

Other news are sort of same...So work's been shitty lately (not like it was ever great, but now my experiments aren't working and I totally can't be bothered to troubleshoot, meh)...Found that I passed both classes last semester (High Pass in Biochem and Honors in Genetics, yay), so that's two less things to worry about. Only one more semester and then I can take it easier class-wise and just concentrate on work. Been trying to get in touch with a prof about rotation #3 but so far hasn't heard back from him....Hopefully he'll answer soon, I really want to work in that lab.

Started watching Witch Hunter Robin, which is one kickass anime, by the way. Could be my current favorite...Went through 18 episodes in about 3 days and could've gone further or even finished it tonight, but need to get up early-ish tomorrow so have to get sleep. Blah. The attwork is fantastic and one of the main male characters is really yummy :) Always a plus. But the story is quite neat, as well. I shall look around the web to see if I can find a WHR icon to use as user pic, maybe. Rinoa is getting kinda old.

Guess that's all for now...I should go to sleep, but I'm so worried about Mommy :(

And so I return...to discuss LotR

2003-01-24T06:01:38Z

Looking over my more recent entries, I realized that one might think that I'm permanently sunk in the deepest pits of despair. Let me stress that this is not, in fact, the case...some of the time :P I simply post more when I'm feeling unwell *shrug*

Anyhow, this is a non-depressive (and horribly disjointed) entry, for once. Go me!

It is absolutely ridiculously cold here. I don't think we crossed 15 degrees today, and that's not including wind chill. Brrr! Thank god for a down jacket...As much as I hate wearing it, the alternative is freezing some important bits off, and I'm not quite ready for a sacrifice like that yet :P

Since I got the LotR book set for Christmas, and since I've now seen The Two Towers three (yes, 3, shuddup) times, I've decided that now is as good a time as any to re-read the books. I read them all a year ago, when the first movie was going to come out and I didn't remember much detail about TTT. On re-read, I noticed a couple of things. Firstly, it's a much easier read the second time around. Perhaps I knew to pace myself better this time, or something, but I finished The Fellowship in only 2 days, whereas it previously took me nearly a week. Secondly, I am more amazed than ever at Peter Jackson's adaptation to film. The man is brilliant, pure and simple, and I was pissed as all hell when he didn't win at the Oscars last year, and even more so this year at the Globes. To take something as dense and practically the opposite of excitement, and to turn it into a movie that holds your attention for 3 hours is no mean feat. Tolkien's vision is spectacular, but it reads more like a historical chronicle than an adventure. I suppose this is what he intended it to be, having been greatly interested in the epic literature of Scandinavians and Anglo-Saxons of old. I honestly do not see why people bitch so much about the changes that Jackson made. Obviously purists will be purists, but can you imagine what it would have been like had he done it to the letter? Case in point: the Harry Potter movies. Don't get me wrong, I loved both of them...but so much more could have been done, and better! Jackson did just that. Especially The Fellowship, where, in the book, nothing really happens except walking...sitting around....a fight here and there...more walking....even more walking....Yeah, that's one hell of a riveting cinematic production. I was actually really suprised when I realized that the death of Boromir almost takes a back seat in the book! It's a very important point in the story, not the mention that it's the death of a major character, and it's almost totally glossed over. The corresponding scene in the movie is incredibly strong, and is one of my favorites. Go figure.

I believe it was Benjamin Disraeli who said something like "Critics are people failed in literature and art." How very true. I love the books, and am thinking of acquiring all the other books associated with the original trilogy, particularly The Silmarion, although I hear that it's a horribly dense read. We shall have to see....Considering that my bank account is rather threadbare at the moment, it'll have to wait a while, at least. I couldn't resist and got the extended Fellowship DVDs, though :D It's in the mail as of today *happy dance* I've rented the extended movie before, and it is really awesome with the extra footage, but I want to see all the other extra features, as well.

I should probably stop, as this is getting rather more and more rambly...Too many things I want to write about, so they're all mixed up in my poor brain. Sob. On a very happy note, I passed biochem with flying colors, so that's one less class I have to worry about. Now to get the genetics grade so I can rest easy in that department as well....Work is terribly boring right now...things are sloooow. Can't wait for this rotation to end! Hopefully the next one will be better *crosses fingers*

Anyways, that's all for now. May post more tomorrow, depending on mood and/or time permitting.

Don't say goodbye....

2003-01-04T21:38:59Z

This past week was easily the best I've had in a year. An obligatory Happy New Year is in order to anyone who reads this....I got to see some friends that haven't been around since summer. That was great fun. We explored all over the city, too, and got to do lots of things. Not all the things I wanted to do, but it was wonderful. Re-watched Harry Potter #2 and LOTR: TTT with Katie as well. They were both better. Yeah, crown me Queen Pathetic.

K left today. The sense of loss is almost unbearable.

Eventually I will get a grip, but for now I have to fight hard not to crawl into a corner of my room and sit there hugging a pillow and crying. I will not. There's the ultimate consolation though: the finals I have to do this week. Oh joy. God, I hate being alone.

In which Yelena contemplates the lights of the oncoming train

2002-12-08T04:23:56Z

Bah. The downward spiral strikes again....Urgh. Hate when that happens. Probably has to do with the holiday season being in full swing. Keep running into couples dressed up, going out somewhere.....People at work gossiping about who is dating whom....Bleh. I hate this. And I miss my friends. And I wish they'd make me feel needed sometimes...but they don't. Or maybe I'm just imagining things. Or maybe I'm just the only needy one. K is coming to visit in 3 weeks, and I'm pathetic enough to actually count down the days on my calendar. After that?... Back to the usual, I guess. Try to drown in the minutae of the everyday things. Stay at work as late as possible. Exhaust myself to the point that I don't remember walking home at the end of the day, only find myself curled up in bed, shaking. This year will be the first time I'll be spending New Year's without my family. EJ is having a party, but it won't be the same....I guess I should be grateful that I won't be spending that night at the lab as well. God knows, I've done to every other night so far. Seven days a week. And the days that I can't invent work for me to do, I come home and clean. Rearrange. Organize. Try not to hit my head on the wall. I can't help but notice how similar my entries are lately. So boring. Heh. I don't want to go back to the pills though. Not yet. I don't want to be as weak and wimpy as that. I can do it....Can't I?

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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How...appropriate.

muwahahah

2002-12-06T02:39:34Z

All my future students beware~~
*evil cackle*

Harry Potter: Which Hogwarts professor would you be?
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And....

Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?
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Hell yeah! *swoons*

Hm.

2002-11-27T04:44:00Z

Seeing as I posted a test in here earlier today, might as well not cheat and actually post a real entry. For the first time in nearly a month O_o I've been so busy lately, though, I barely have time for sleep =P Classes are annoying, but somehow I'm doing pretty well, at least judging by test scores so far *keeps fingers crossed* Thank god the semester is nearly over, though. Next term classes are supposed to be a lot easier, and in any case they won't be biochem. God, I hope I pass that damn thrice-cursed class so I never ever have to think about it again. Ugh. Two weeks and counting.... Eye candy in the shape of the professor isn't doing it for me anymore ^_^ Oh well.

First lab rotation is nearly over, as well. Been pretty intense, but fun. I'm pretty sure I'll stay there, unless, UNLESS, my next two rotations are totally awesome, which I doubt. I really like the way Marilyn (my boss) runs the lab, and I like projects as well. We'll see, I guess. I don't have to decide till June or thereabouts. Mostly I got a lot of experience in troubleshooting *grin* but that's ok. I wasn't planning to publish anything in two months, anyways. Looks like I've got at least one solid piece of data proven, but I still need to do a couple of experiments to totally confirm it. It's an interesting conclusion, and one we didn't expect, but hey. Next rotation is going to be a lot more relaxed (I hope). Enough lab babble.

Been reading Night Watch by Terry Pratchett, the newest in the Discworld series. It's brilliant, and may well be my new favorite in the series, or close to it. The man's a genius. I like that he's moving further away from sheer hilarity and toward more and more thought-provoking issues. I cried several times while reading NW. That's not saying a lot since I've been in a maudlin mood lately anyway, but the book is definitely well deserving of praise.

In other, miscellaneous, news, went to see Harry Potter #2 the weekend it opened. Tons of fun and well worth the 1/2 hour walk to the theater in the rain (don't ask). Liked it a lot more than the first movie, and definitely more than the book. Chamber of Secrets was definitely not my favorite installment in the book series, and I think for all the criticism they did a decent job adapting it to the screen. Kenneth Branagh was amazing. I still can't get over how much older the kids look, though. I shudder to think what's going to happen by the time HP#3 rolls around. Heh. Oh well. Incidentally, one of the girls in my class told me yesterday that I looked like Harry Potter O.O I was torn between being amused, flattered, and devastated. Haha. I guess I'll settle for the former two ^_^ Also in [meager] social news, went to see Aida (the opera) with Olgie on Friday, at the Met Opera. It was.....breathtaking. That's the only way to describe what I felt. Four hours of divine music and...the voices.....*shakes head* It was the first live opera performance I've seen and, needless to say, I intend to come back. I absolutely loved it.

Finally, to anyone who's still reading this, get a life! Just kidding =) Have a fantastic Thanksgiving Day and keep your fingers crossed that yours truly won't get stuck for too long in LaGuardia tomorrow because of the retarded snowstorm that's supposed to hit. Ugh. Time to finish packing and hit the sack, got a long day tomorrow.

Now the truth comes out....

2002-11-27T00:13:47Z

Personality test, stolen from twigs:

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

ladymurasaki @ 2002-10-30T00:53:00

2002-10-30T05:56:47Z

There's something seriously wrong with a society in which the media chooses to devote headlines to the Winona Ryder shoplifting trial while elsewhere a coutnry is burying over 100 innocents killed by terrorists. Or chooses to equate such headlines with the sniper attack coverage, for instance. It's sickening.

Autumn

2002-10-30T05:31:44Z

Yes, it's definitely autumn. None of this 'fall' crap. The Brits got it right...The perfect word to convey the sogginess and general blah-ness of days. Which is not to say that I don't enjoy the Indian Summer, the occasional cool sunny day when the trees are standing swathed in colors...But then a gust of wind, a sudden cloud -- and the leaves are dancing in the air, being dragged across the pavement, huddle in pathetic clumps around the benches in the park...It makes me ache. Perhaps I'm being overly sentimental again. Nothing ever gets me down as much as late October, though. This year is worse than ever, too. I'been on the upswing the past week or so, but I'm afraid I'm tittering right at the top right now and the slightest tremor will send me plunging down again.

My birthday has come and gone. Parents have come to visit and gone. That made me feel even more homesick than before...You know how sometimes you get over things and then someone comes along and just slices the wound open again? Yeah. At least Thanksgiving is only a month off. Sometimes I wonder whether my sanity will last that long.

I've been trying to drown in work again. Not to much avail, unfortunately. Things are still not working, which fact frustrates me beyond reason. Grr. Marilyn is being very understanding, but I'm sure she wants to see some progress. Even though she keeps saying how rotations are just a learning experience. Bah. Especially since I really want to stay in the lab for my thesis. But she seems to understand that it's not my fault. We'll see, I guess. Classes have been hell, as has the second biochem exam. After staying up till 3am working on it for 5 days in a row, I was still forces to make up some pathetic BS for a couple of questions. Now, I know that everyone else had just as much trouble with it...I know that it was insanely hard. Still I kick myself for being a retard. Feh. At least the blasted test got handed in yesterday, and good riddance.

I haven't been eating really, the past several days...It's...odd. I just forget to do it and it's okay. I don't even feel hungry, really. I think I'm losing weight again (partly due to my self-imposed famine, I guess). Jeans are definitely hanging loose. Who knows maybe in a month or so I'll look like Olga. Now that would be scary. Not that anyone cares...Nor that anyone should.

Oro....

2002-10-20T15:00:39Z

Happy birthday to me...I suppose...

ARRRRRRRRRRGH~~~~~

2002-10-13T14:45:39Z

I forgot to turn on the shaker after I set the immunoprecipitation reaction last night >>.<< I hope it still works...of course now I have to wait for at least an hour before doing anything!!! Fuck fuck fuck.

GRRRRRRRRR.

I am really such an idiot sometimes.

ladymurasaki @ 2002-10-11T23:58:00

2002-10-12T03:59:20Z

Where the river runs black
I take the schoolbooks from your pack
Plastics, wire and your kiss
The breath of eternity on your lips

In the crowded marketplace
I drift from face to face
I hold my breath and close my eyes
I hold my breath and close my eyes
And I wait for paradise
And I wait for paradise

The Virginia hills have gone to brown
Another day another sun going down
I visit you in another dream
I visit you in another dream

I reach and feel your hair
Your smell lingers in the air
I brush your cheek with my fingertips
I taste the void upon your lips
And I wait for paradise
And I wait for paradise

I search for you on the other side
Where the river runs clean and wide
Up to my heart the waters rise
Up to my heart the waters rise

I sink `neath the water cool and clear
Drifting down, I disappear
I see you on the other side
I search for the peace in your eyes
But they're as empty as paradise
They're as empty as paradise
I break above the waves
I feel the sun upon my face

argh!

2002-10-08T03:45:28Z

FAO is out of stock on stuffed koalas ;_;
And it's so adorable... Sob. Oh well, foiled again, I suppose. I'll stop by the store when I go to pick up Katie's DN book at Kinokunaya, though. Just in case. It's practically across the street, anyways. FAO is so fun to spend time in, too =)

I needed some instant gratification tonight, so I went and ordered a bunch of new Pratchett books off B&N. All the books I ordered qualify for same day delivery in Manhattan, so I should be well-stocked by tomorrow night. Is very good, since I'm already feeling the pain of withdrawal >.<

In final news, I don't know how well my Western is going to come out, but the transfer worked a lot better than the last time...All the markers transferred quite well, the gel was completely clean. Now to wait till tomorrow so I can develop it...

Meanwhile, it is time to pass out.

hmm

2002-10-08T00:47:28Z

This is probably going to be an introspective, yet rambling and disjointed entry, I think...Disjointed primarily because I'm writing it between doing stuff and running back and forth in the lab.

Yes, lab. Yes, at 8:20pm. Yes, I was here all day yesterday. And guess what, I'll probably be here at this time tomorrow, too. And for many days to come...I almost feel like work is my refuge nowadays...I come early, stay late, make myself so tired that all I want to do is pass out when I get home. On purpose. For one thing, I can only sleep decently well if I'm completely exhausted lately >.< Otherwise, it's lying in bed listening to the cars outside and staring at the ceiling for me. Blah. But even when I do sleep, I don't feel rested. Perhaps it has to do with being so tired all the time. I don't know, and, frankly, I find it hard to care. I know I'm burning myself out, but that's kinda what I want...

I'm not depressed, or not the way I was before. Before it was all angst and everyone-hates-me stuff. Now, there's...nothing. Absolutely nothing. In a way, I'm even kind of happy. I enjoy the stuff I do in lab, I'm surrounded by nice friendly people, my PI likes me. Classes suck, but not too badly. I can slog my way through them. But I don't feel like there is a long-term future. It's very odd. It's not like I want to die or anything, no! I just can't find myself caring enough to actually think about things to come. It's like every day is taken as an abstract, removed from a whole, maybe not even belonging as part of whole. Every day I get up, dress, put on makeup, grab a coffee from the guy at the corner, head to class, head to work...Somewhere in there I occasionally get round to eat something. I'm missing meals left and right, and it doesn't really matter, I don't really feel hungry.

*shakes head* Whoever reads this is going to think I'm so retarded...But I don't care. Somehow putting thoughts in black and white, on a paper of sorts, makes me feel comforted. Parents are coming to visit in two weeks, and I really can't wait. I guess that's one thing I AM looking forward to...After that, I don't know what's going to happen. I horribly, desperately, need to have people around me that I can interact with more than I do with my classmates. I need some truly close friends, I need to not be alone. I'm not lonely anymore, I'm just empty...so very empty. I need Katie but she's so damn far away, and so busy. We can't even talk on IM too often -_-

I will try not to angst too much, because I know how much it hurts people around me, my mom in particular. For her, I will try to stay on the surface. But it gets so damn hard to keep treading water sometimes...I'll keep going, because there are at least a few people who need me. Because I can accomplish things. But I'm not really happy. The elation I felt past couple of weeks has all but evaporated. My work is one of the very few pleasures available to me at the moment. On cold autumn nights, I stay in the lab because I have nothing to go home to. Heh.